Lottie’s ”apology”

The lovely Lottie who’s 22 and from Bournemouth in Dorset, sent me this wonderful poem she wrote.


”I call this one “apology”

And I’m dedicating it to myself.

An apology for the days, months, years,

Of worry.

Of hate.

Of destroying,

Of breaking down,

Bit by bit,

The one person I should love the most;

Me.


For giving away, to saying yes,

To this idea that the body I own,

Is the wrong one.

Is a bit too big,

Takes up too much space,

Isn’t worth a second glance.

An apology for hiding the parts of me,

That I thought no one else should see.


And replacing them with bits,

That only fit,

If I trade in my hair colour,

Favourite food,

The music I love in the process.


I call this one “apology”

And I dedicate it to my family.

For the hurt,

For the helplessness,

When I told them,

No, it’s alright, I won’t do it again.

I promise.


For not judging me when I did.


An apology for the time I could have spent,

Outside of an air conditioned room,

With a clipboard,

And weighing scales,

That don’t look like my own.


For my Mum,

For the walk we took,

And the photo that helped me to see.

For holding my hand,

In that hospital bed when I didn’t.


For my friends,

For the nights where the size of my waist,

Didn’t factor if I was worthy enough,

To share that pizza with you for the first time

In nine years.


An apology for my friends,

Who spent the time with a ghost,

But didn’t let its transparency slip through their fingers,

And loved it anyway.


An apology to the man,

Who, shut out behind many closed doors,

Still broke them down anyway.

Who taught me,

That beauty is not the number on my jeans today,

Or the place I get my foundation from.


But that it’s the freckles behind it,

The eyes without the product

That I hope will hide how tired I was.

It’s my words on a page,

That don’t belong to anyone else.


An apology to the girls,

To the women,

To the boys and men.

Who stand before themselves,

Still feeling that sense of shame.

For not looking the same.


I call this one apology,

And I dedicate it to us.”


unnamed

Huge thanks to Lottie for letting me share this with my followers.

Have you written a poem about body image? Would you like to write an article about your own experiences? Send an email to leyahatbcr@gmail.com!

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About Leyah Shanks

Positive body image activist and advocate for mental health.

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